You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
