Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
