I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Farmville is her only friend.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
