I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
