i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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