Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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