It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
