I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Define "chronic" masturbator.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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