apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
