1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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