mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
