Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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