I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
