I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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