I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
