i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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