I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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