all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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