why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
