This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
