She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
