things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
