Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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