clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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