I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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