if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish you could order shots online.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
