remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
