guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
