So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
