the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
