I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
