So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
