Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
