There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
