I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
