Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Randomize
