The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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