she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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