She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize