real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
