I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
