Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
