i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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