did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
