I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
