dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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