I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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