I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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