Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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