i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
