I feel like abortions should bother me more
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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