I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
