i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
