I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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