Apparently you make a good broom.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize