And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
